So recently, I became a mother of two. It was planned, and when I was pregnant, I simply couldn’t wait. Throughout my second pregnancy, I barely had time to really focus on what was coming. To really allow it to sink in and prepare myself. With a wild toddler to try and tame and a business to grow, I had my hands pretty full. Then on Easter Sunday, the Easter bunny came and delivered me the. best. gift. ever. A baby girl. A sister for my first, another daughter for my husband and I. And boy was I not prepared.
People always asked, “how will you love your second as much as your first?”, “Do you think you’ll always favour your first?”, “Aren’t you content with just the one?” And even though I felt sure in our decision to have a second, I did occasionally let those questioning doubts drift in to my mind. What if I didn’t love this one as much as our first? What if I did subconsciously “prefer” my first born? Am I basically telling my child that she isn’t enough and I need more? Add to that the classic “mum guilt” thinking, “what if I can’t give as much to the second as I did to my first?” or “will my first feel unloved?” It’s enough to drive you crazy. But luckily, those thoughts were fleeting and I was sure within myself that I would love this baby just as much as my first, and that they will love each other too.
So, back to my Easter pressie. As soon as my second baby girl was hauled up on to my chest (she was a biggie) my heart exploded. I could not believe my luck to have two beautiful girls. My girls. That my husband and I made and that were us. Bits of him and bits of me. Those shocked and blinking eyes searching for my face. I knew instantly that we had made the right decision to have another. And just when I thought my heart couldn’t explode anymore? The beautiful moment that my first baby girl met my second baby girl. Ah my heart. She was so proud. The proudest big sister. And somehow, she knew that this new little baby was ours. She wasn’t jealous, she welcomed her with open arms and I could see that she had so much love to give to her. She didn’t want to leave or let go of her new baby sister. That night in the birth centre was my first night away from my toddler. I felt emotional but not sad. I missed her so much but I had this new little human with me. There wasn’t room to feel sad. That emotion didn’t seem to exist anymore.
I can’t explain how my heart felt that day, I honestly felt like I might implode. I felt so blissful, so incredibly full that I could scream. I smiled constantly. No, not smiled, BEAMED. It was the happiest that I have EVER felt. And that feeling hasn’t gone. 14 weeks later and I still feel like my life couldn’t be any more perfect. My heart still feels like it is this gigantic thing taking up my whole body and I could easily not care about anything else other than my girls.
Now I am not saying it’s a walk in the park. It is hard. Bloody hard. And there are moments where I want to scream and run away and hide in the wardrobe for a minute. There are moments when my eldest is having a tantrum over absolutely nothing. Literally. Nothing. Mums of toddlers I am sure you can relate. And my baby is unsettled and crying if I put her down and I am in my underwear needing to get dressed with half a face of make up, teeth attempted to be brushed and looking at the time knowing that we are going to be late to wherever it is that we are meant to be. I can however, say that I have now mastered the one handed makeup application whilst bobbing up and down with a baby. Mascara application was the biggest hurdle there.
There are times when I have the baby in the sling (a godsend by the way) and my toddler is refusing to walk and wanting carrying, which I can’t really do as I am already carrying a 8kg baby, a handbag, a nappy bag and some toy that my toddler simply had to bring but then doesn’t want to carry herself. I look and feel like a pack horse. When my toddler is told the terrible news that she can’t be carried and she has to walk, she is now in the habit of literally sitting down on the floor wherever we are, be it the shopping mall, the middle of the street, a cafe and refusing to move. When I ask her to come on, she looks me dead in the eyes and I kid you not, slowly slides backwards further away from me. Now that is such fun.
Those times, those are the ones where it is easy to think “fuck”. But I wrote a little note to myself after a long. long. day to remind me of how blessed I am and to leave this tricky day behind. I’ll share it with you now…
No matter how stressful it gets, no matter how much you want to scream, no matter how much house work needs doing, no matter how much Rosemary is refusing to get dressed and driving you insane, no matter how late you are running, no matter how much Olive is crying and won’t settle, no matter how much you want to cry, just stop. And remember how blessed you are to have two healthy and beautiful girls. Two girls who need you. Two girls who are so loved and love you so much. Remember how blessed you are to have a whole family, a healthy and thriving family, a roof over your head and food on the table. You can provide love for your girls, and they give you love in return. These times shall pass and there will come a time when you wish you could go back and relive this moment. Even this time right now, this time where Olive is grizzling, Rosemary isn’t listening to you and you have 1000 and 1 things to do. Relish this moment and remember just how lucky and blessed you are.
I wrote that to read to myself when I am having a moment and boy does it help put things in perspective. I know I have so much to teach these girls but they also have so much to teach me. They teach me about a love like no other love I have ever felt. It’s not even a love that you feel. It’s a being, it’s a powerful thing inside of you that just is. It’s you. It’s too strong to label as a feeling or an emotion. The love that you have for your children is so overwhelming and all encompassing that it can’t be described. You literally feel like you can’t contain it. Like it is bursting out from within you.
So the answer to the question of, can you have as much love for your second as you do for your first? Hell bloody yes. The love just doubles. You feel what you feel for your first and then again. It floods through your entire being and feels oh so amazing. You feel so full with it that you literally feel that people can see it. And maybe they can. Maybe that is the glow, the aura that people ridiculously in love have.
Was I prepared for my second? of course not. Is it tricky having two? Fuck yes. Would I change it for anything? A firm NO. Am I going to do it all over again for a third? Abso-blooming-lutely
x x x